Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
