I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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