Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Randomize
