I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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