Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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