i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
