Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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