im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
