Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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