Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
