Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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