I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize