apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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