he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
