I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
