"it" just moved
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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