We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
