Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize