i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Bring me that man meat
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
