I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
