Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
