Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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