why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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