I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
