One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I just forgot I was standing up.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize