dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
