How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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