Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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