I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
