So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
