so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
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