I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
too bad you live with your parents still
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
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