sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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