at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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