What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
