You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
