Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
