Pregnant stripper...not hot.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
