He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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