the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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