There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
