i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
