How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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