Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
