You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
