You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize