you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
