she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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