from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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