non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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