booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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