oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
