if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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