My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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