you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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