I can tuck mytits in my pants
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
