This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
