Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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