I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
