He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
