I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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