I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
