I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
