god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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