our cab driver is having phone sex.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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