1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
