i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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