M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
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