I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Randomize
