remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
