I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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