i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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