I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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