I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
then he tried to convert me to islam
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
