Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
