I'm going to jail i love you
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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