He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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