I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
